By Your Side by Jason Carrasco

Author:Jason Carrasco
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Random House Australia
Published: 2016-05-14T04:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

You can tell the size of a person’s character by the size of things they allow to upset them.

As I continued my recuperation at home I had time to reflect on the change that had come over me in the immediate lead-up to the surgery. Where had that courage and calmness come from? Even though it had flowed all through me it didn’t feel like it had started from inside. I’d begun a diary back in 2010 when I was struggling with my feelings about myself and the world as a result of Bell’s palsy. My entries were sparse and very sporadic, but now I was moved to pick up my pen again. I wrote about what I’d experienced:

It got me thinking, what is the solution to fear? I always thought it was to be fearless, but I think in many ways that could be a flawed assumption. How will I be able to understand my circumstance if I continually deny it? How will I be able to grow, to learn and better myself as a man?

I still can’t believe the transformation. Where on earth did I get all that strength from? I’m convinced it wasn’t me who went in for that operation in a state of serenity. I didn’t even know I could be that courageous. Where has this been all my life! Only by embracing the struggle that I had built up in my imagination was I able to fully feel ready for whatever was going to happen. But I couldn’t find this on my own.

What makes life so special is the people you meet who help you to see the best in yourself. All someone needs to do is remind you that it’s been there all along. It was the nurturing of this special girl Cass that made me see how truly beautiful life can be. It felt like some kind of awakening of my soul or something weird like that. I can’t get over it and I’m still seeking to properly understand it.

I owe this girl everything. She’s the reason I got through that operation. She’s why I am still here. She saved me. She gave me life when I didn’t think there was any in me.

Writing in a diary was one of the few things I could do in that period that didn’t completely exhaust me. With no core strength, it was impossible to stand upright and it was a major challenge just to get myself out of bed. I used a rolling technique, which made me look like a seal in a nature documentary. At least it worked.

I continued to walk around the house to build up my strength, and hanging onto walls and furniture, trying to take some of the pressure off my abdomen. Then I’d go back to bed. They say sleep is the great healer. My body didn’t need telling twice, I could hardly keep my eyes open.

Each morning a nurse would come to change the dressings on the wound and take blood so it could be tested for cancer markers.

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